Burdened and Confused

Hey... Please allow me to sidetrack a bit. Not gonna post old updates for you guys today but want to express my emotions.


Emotionally Burdened
Since my dad passed on a couple of years back, I felt like I've been losing myself. It was a sudden loss to everyone who knew him. It's too sudden and painful that I start tearing just thinking about him.. But these few weeks, particularly today, I've been feeling extremely down. Although when I'm with people, I'll put on my normal happy mask and pretend to be "myself". I hate lying to others, I hate lying to myself but if I were to show my true self, oh man, everyone will be worried. I can hide feelings really well but when I'm alone, that's when shit thoughts come. The words 'give up' came to me so often that it scares me. In my phone, I've left a drafted message to my loved ones just in case I really lose myself one day.

I'm feeling such a heavy burden in my heart. I can literally stare at the TV blankly or scroll through my FB and cry when no one's around me. I'm not sure what's happening to me... Is it because I'm tired from work? Is it because I feel unworthy to the people around me? Is it because I don't really know who am I? Am I lonely? Am I discontented with life? So many questions yet so little answers.

I sometimes wonder whether I'm on the way to depression. I've read the symptoms online, seems like I'm not. Are there any helpline where I can chat through message and not via a phone call? I need someone, a neutral party, to speak to...


Emotionally Confused
Also, I've been really confused about my feelings. I'm currently attached for 2+ years. Let me make myself clear before I get judged for my story, I still love my boy alright.

So... I met one of my exes at a gathering with our mutual friends many weeks back. I would say he was my first true love but due to our immaturity at that time (omgosh, almost 10 years ago), we ended things. I remember very clearly that it was a very hurtful breakup that it took me more than a year to move on. However, I think I've never fully gotten over him. 

Although I was in kind-of-a-relationship - together but no together - with a college friend, he (the ex) was still at the back of my mind/heart. Until now, whenever I see him, it's hard to look at and chat with him. I'm guessing it's due to shyness and regret. He seemed to move on very well and has been attached with the same girl for several years but unsure whether he intends to get married. Lol...

Anyway, I drove to the gathering that day. After dinner, we proceeded to a bar. A few friends car pooled my car to the bar and left their things in my car as we parked nearby. Mind you, only 10 to 20 steps. When two of them wanted to leave, I had to unlock my cars for them to get their bags. He said he will follow me. At first I thought that he thought I was going off and he wanted me to drop him off. 

Then I told him, "No lah, they just want to take their stuff from my car." 

He was like, "Yea, I'll follow you."

"It's okay, my car's really near."

But he insisted. Wokay, if you say so~  

He accompanied me since I was walking alone back from the car. I initially stood at the stairs to unlock my car (my car was on the opposite side of the road), saw my friend opened the boot to take his bag and exposed my bag (I was taught not to expose any bags when parked at any place). In a panic, I quickly crossed the road to my car and he followed behind. He could have stayed at the stairs and look out. 

I wasn't sure whether he was just being a gentleman or what.... I'm shit confused until today. The whole scene replayed in my mind so many times. My heart melted a little. Tbh, I don't think my bf would actually follow me to my car... So after the two friends left, I locked my car, crossed the road, went up the stairs with him and I thanked him, He said, "No problem."/"You're welcome." and we walked back to our seats.

Guys, please tell me what do you think about this? Am I over reading his actions?